


Bashir's Life

by kronette



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-02
Updated: 2013-01-02
Packaged: 2017-11-23 08:02:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/619865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kronette/pseuds/kronette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This story reveals Bashir's past, using ideas from DS9 and my own imagination. Through medical school, Starfleet academy, and his meeting of Data. Originally posted in 1994.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bashir's Life

Doctor Julian Bashir was nervous. Not just because he was going into the Gamma Quadrant, but because of _why_. DS9 had received a message from Kai Opaka a few days ago. The surprise contact had shaken Kira up pretty badly, and she had taken a leave down on Bajor, supposedly with Bareil. Opaka had sent a simple message: peace is upon is. Sisko took that as a sign that she could now leave the penal planet. He had accompanied Bashir to the Gamma Quadrant, along with a skeleton crew on board the Defiant. Sisko had left Dax and O'Brien in charge of DS9, sure that they would be back in a few days.

As the Defiant cruised effortlessly through space, Sisko was checking the sensors. "I don't want to be caught by the Jem'Hadar again," he remarked. Bashir nodded agreement.

"I hope Kai Opaka's message means that the Ennis and Nol -Ennis will allow each other to leave the planet," Bashir wondered out loud. He remembered how they had left the planet, She-la, leader of the Ennis, saying they could finally kill off their enemy. Bashir still shuddered involuntarily. He knew medicine and technology had been used for dark purposes in the past, but not _his_ medicine. He would never use his skill to harm another living thing. He knew that as deeply as he knew his own name. Still, his instincts were telling him this was  _wrong_ , that something was very wrong in the sudden contact.

Sisko interrupted his thoughts. "Doctor, we're approaching the planet." His voice sounded incredulous as he added, "The satellites are gone." Bashir moved next to the console behind Sisko, checking the readings for himself.

"I don't believe it. I thought whoever exiled them there placed those around the planet. They had no way to remove them." He shook his head. "Commander, I don't like this," he voiced his concern for the first time.

Sisko nodded agreement. "I happen to agree with you, Doctor. I'm scanning the planet...not detecting any lifesigns."

Bashir sat down at the science station. "You need to adjust the frequency to pick up lifesigns with the biological implants." He tapped the console for a minute, then it beeped. "Over 200 people. And Kai Opaka is one of them."

"Can we distinguish her from the rest?" Sisko asked hopefully. His hopes were dashed when Bashir shook his head.

"I'm afraid not, Commander. The impulses from the microbes make it impossible to identify individuals," Bashir informed him. "It looks like I'm going to have to go down there and reprogram them myself," he added softly.

Sisko could see the pain in his eyes and waved Lieutenant Emiras over. "Doctor, this is the best programmer in Starfleet. She just transferred from Starbase 145. Lieutenant Alyia Emiras, Doctor Julian Bashir." They nodded to each other. "She'll be accompanying you to the surface," Sisko added. Bashir's eyes shot up to Sisko's face, worried, concerned, and a bit irate. "With all due respect sir, I can do the job myself."

"You're a doctor; what can you possibly know about reprogramming biological microbes?" Emiras asked, folding her arms across her chest.

Bashir flushed, angry. "I know enough," he informed her and stood up. She was a good two inches taller than he was, wearing the mustard and black uniform of a technician. Her glossy brown hair was chin length, cut in an attractive bob. She would have been beautiful if the scowl on her face was a smile instead. She fixed him with her steely brown eyes, daring him to challenge her.

"I'm sure you do, doctor, but I'll be there to back you up, just in case," she said sarcastically.

None of this was lost on Sisko, who was watching the exchange with morbid fascination. He had never seen Emiras anything but pleasant to everyone, and as for Bashir...he was glaring at the woman so coldly, it startled him for a minute. "Doctor, Lieutenant, I'm afraid you are going to have to work together. Hailing the planet has met with no success, so I'm afraid you'll be going down there blind. I'm skeptical of sending down armed guards, but I want you both armed. Though if they still can't die, it won't do much but give you a few minutes to run or call us," he joked, hoping to break the tension between the two officers.

"Yes, sir," Emiras said, still locking gazes with Bashir. Bashir intoned, "Yes, sir. What about the Kai?" he asked, finally breaking eye contact with Emiras.

"If she's ready to leave, then we'll take her back to DS9. She should probably remain there for now, until Kai Winn can be informed she isn't needed as successor," Sisko tried not to smile, but the corners of his mouth lifted slightly.

Bashir broke into a wry smile. "I wouldn't relish that job," he quipped and left to gather his equipment. Sisko stopped Emiras before she could leave. "Lieutenant. Can I have a word with you?" he asked, more an order. Emiras halted, her eyes warily on him. "Yes, sir."

He studied her expression, wondering what to say to her. "Lieutenant, do you have a problem working with Doctor Bashir? Because if you do, I'll get someone else."

Her eyes registered surprise, then flashed indignantly. "No sir, no problem at all. I'm sure he and I can work out our differences. If there's nothing else, I have to get my equipment to the transporter room." She stood at attention, waiting to be dismissed. Sisko couldn't think of anything else to say to her, so tilted his head to her. She returned the nod and walked away.

***

"My God, my God, what is she doing here?" Bashir asked himself as he hurriedly packed medical supplies.

"I was going to ask you the same question," a woman's voice came from behind him, and he froze. He straightened slowly, feeling her eyes on his back. He turned to see Emiras smiling viciously at him. "Well?"

"Well, what?" he asked, his eyes narrowing.

"You didn't answer my question. What are you doing here?"

"I asked you first," he retorted, crossing his arms to keep his hands from shaking.

She tilted her head to the side, regarding him. She shrugged slightly. "I graduated and got an assignment on Starbase 145. A call came two days ago for a programmer; I'm the most qualified. So here I am." She paused, shifting to enter sickbay and the door snicked shut behind her. "Your turn."

That single phrase sent shivers down his spine. A thin trickle of sweat ran down the side of his face. "I graduated and asked for assignment on DS9."

"For the adventure?" Emiras whispered coyly, moving closer to Bashir. He backed up into a biobed.

"Some of it, yes. I wanted to put my expertise to good use," he said, his voice shaking slightly.

She continued to walk toward him, her eyes narrowing dangerously. "Expertise..in multi-species medicine, or something else?" she whispered, her eyes lighting up with memories.

He swallowed hard, finally finding his courage. He rose to his full height and said, "Multi-species medicine. What else is there?" he dared her.

She laughed shortly, a cold, viscous sound, and raised an eyebrow. "What else, indeed?" She caught his warning glare. "Oh, _I_ see, Doctor. He doesn't know, does he?" she asked, jerking her head toward the door.

A slight shake of Bashir's head was all that she got. She shrugged. "Don't worry, Julian. I have no intention of exposing your little secret. Our little secret." Her gaze was unmistakable, and he felt his heart in his throat. They stared at each other for several long moments, Bashir finally lowering his eyes to the floor, refusing to play the game anymore.

She just turned on her heel and left sickbay. The second the doors closed behind her, Bashir sagged against the biobed. His hands were shaking, a sheen of sweat covered his body, and his heart was racing. He closed his eyes tightly, regaining control of his emotions, then finished packing for his trip.

***

Bashir and Emiras beamed down to a scarred, barren patch of land, devoid of vegetation. They quickly scanned the area, but no lifesigns showed up.

"This is too odd. I pinpointed the exact location of the lifesigns on board the Defiant, and chose these coordinates to put us down in the heart of them. Where did they go?" Bashir wondered.

Emiras had been walking around, swinging her tricorder in all directions, but turned to him at that statement. "Obviously, you miscalculated. I knew I should have done it," she muttered to herself.

Bashir glared at her, then tapped his commbadge. "Bashir to Sisko." A shot of fear went through him. "Bashir to Sisko," he repeated, slapping the commbadge again. He looked to Emiras, who was tapping her commbadge. "Emiras to Defiant." She looked up at him and shook her head slightly. A shudder made it's way down Bashir's spine, and that instinct that something was wrong returned, screaming.

Emiras moved closer to him, keeping a wary eye on their surroundings. "You've been here before. Where were you? Is this the same place?" she asked.

He checked the tricorder and his memory. "No. We were by caves, over...there," he pointed, to the east.

"Then let's move," Emiras called, already walking that way. Bashir jogged to catch up.

"Wait. We don't know what's out there," he said.

"We don't know what's here, either," Emiras pointed out, indicating their immediate surroundings. Bashir nodded.

"Point well taken. Through that valley," he instructed, and they started walking.

***

"Defiant to Bashir. Sisko to Emiras. Damn." Sisko had been trying to hail them since the transporter had set them down on the planet. Or what he hoped was the planet. The minute the transporters had finished beaming them, the planet disappeared, leaving no trace of either officer.

***

"This...isn't right," Bashir said as he walked around the caves. He could still see the 'jails' where the prisoners were kept. Trash littered the cave floor, but no one was in sight.

"Julian, over here," Emiras called, and Bashir found her kneeling by a stream of water.

"What is it?" he asked as he bent over the stream, trying to see. Blackness followed, and strong hands carried him off.

***

Bashir groaned painfully. He tried to raise his hand to touch his head, but it wouldn't move. He was afraid something had happened to it until he opened his eyes. A solitary light spilled into the room he was in. He could make out the rope that tied his arms and legs down, and groaned again. He was being held prisoner, but which side was it? Ennis? Nol- Ennis? He didn't know which to fear more. Footsteps approached and his back stiffened. He blinked in surprise at who, or what greeted him. He recognized her as the shapeshifter he saw after the Jem'Hadar mess.

"You are awake. Good." She moved over to him, untying one hand. He immediately checked his head, feeling a bump.

"Why have you brought me here?" he asked.

She shook her head. "I did not bring you here. You brought yourself."

He touched his head gingerly, afraid he had a concussion. "What? I brought myself here? That's ridiculous. I was on my way to help Kai Opaka on the planet you took me from."

Again, she shook her head. "You were not on that planet. You were not summoned by Kai Opaka. You came here because you wanted to." As she spoke, she untied his other arm, then his legs. He sat up carefully, rubbing his wrists.

"This is crazy. Why am I here?" he demanded.

"Why do you want to be here?" she asked softly in return, extending an arm, inviting him outside the room.

His mind was whirling. Then suddenly a memory popped into his head. He was back in medical school, getting ready to go to class. It was the hardest one the academy had to offer, and he was determined to pass. His roommate slapped him on his back as he grabbed his PADDs. "I don't know why you push yourself. I don't know anyone willing to take that class for fun."

"It's the challenge," Young Julian returned hotly. "I want to know what no one else does; want to see what no one else sees. I want to be the first to experience the unknown."

Eric just laughed at him. "You're going to experience lateness if you don't hustle," he smiled at him and left. Julian just looked after him, his face determined. "I  _will_ be the first to see the unknown. And if I have to go to the ends of the galaxy, I will," he vowed.

The image faded; Bashir took a deep breath. He understood now why he was here, but now how. "How did I get here?" he asked as he slipped off the bed and accompanied the shapeshifter into the hallway.

"It is complicated and not important for you to know. Do you now know why you are here?" she asked as they turned a corner and continued down another hallway.

"I think so," he replied quietly. The corridors seemed to move around them. Bashir suspected they might be shapeshifters also. "But why did I choose here? And right now?"

"Only you can answer that," she said as they emerged onto the surface of a planet. Bashir blinked at the sudden brightness. As his eyes adjusted to the level of light, he saw he was on a lush blue planet, the two suns burning brightly in the amber sky. "She is waiting for you." She pointed to the east and Bashir looked that way, but didn't see anyone.

"Who's waiting for..." he broke off as he turned to the shapeshifter, but she was gone. He was left alone on this intensely hot planet, and suddenly he felt small. He wiped sweat from his forehead and noticed some violet clusters over to the east. "Shelter," he gasped gratefully, and began walking. It was only a mile or two to the edge of the forest, if that's what it could be called. He had never seen such flora. The 'trees' reached just over 9 feet tall, their wiry limbs making a flat canopy above his head. He stepped under their shade, relieved to be out from the blistering suns. He settled himself in a cluster of 'leaves', most of them a foot across. They were soft, and he was tired, and he drifted to sleep.

He stretched lazily, allowing himself to drift out of sleep slowly. A sharp pang in his neck forced him awake. He rubbed it, stiff from sleeping on...leaves? He sat up, taking in his surroundings. "I thought this was a dream," he said out loud. It had grown dark; the night air was chilly without the two suns to warm it.

"Do you wish it to be a dream?" a soft voice asked him. He looked around, wondering why it sounded familiar.

"Who's there?" he called, trying to make out shapes in the quickly falling darkness. A shape moved; he drew a quick breath, not sure if an animal was going to charge at him.

"Do you not recognize me?" she said as she stepped closer. Bashir blinked in astonishment.

"Kai Opaka! How did you get here?" he asked.

"I wished it. Just as you wished to be here. Lovely, isn't it?" she said, her face still as calm as he remembered, but wise, so much wiser than she appeared.

"It is lovely. But why am I here?" he asked, getting to his feet and brushing dirt off his uniform.

"You are here at the will of the Prophets, and the will of your heart," she replied. "Come." She started moving through the forest and Bashir followed, wondering at her words.

"Kai..." he began, but she held up a hand. He halted as she stopped, listening.

"Do you hear it?" she asked, turning to him and fixing him with her stare.

"Hear...what?" he whispered, hearing only the sound of them breathing.

"The unknown. Calling you. Do you hear it?" she repeated patiently.

He stared at her, swallowing hard. He opened his mouth to speak, but her gaze held his tongue. "Listen with your heart," she instructed. She reached up and took his left ear, squeezing it gently. His eyes closed involuntarily, and he heard it plainly, the call of the Unknown. Hundreds of worlds passed through his mind, thousands of species he couldn't begin to imagine, places so far removed from what he knew that he couldn't possibly identify them.

He gasped, barely breathing as he opened his eyes. He was still standing; Opaka stood a few feet in front of him. As he tried to catch his breath, he looked questioningly at her. She smiled her knowing smile.

"Yes, the Unknown has called you, and you it. Now you must decide how you want to answer."

"What?" he asked, still breathing in gasps.

"Will you answer the call of your heart?" she asked quietly, her voice falling like a stone in the still night. Bashir regarded her, seeing what she was saying in her eyes. "I..." he started, then began again. "I don't know if I have the courage," he answered.

She shook her head impatiently at him. "It is in you. You would not have come this far without it to help you. What will you do?"

He thought for a long time, contemplating everything he had seen, everything he had experienced, and thought of the station. His friends. His family back on Earth. The life he knew.

Opaka could see the internal conflict he fought in his eyes. "It is a difficult choice to make, Julian. Only you can make it."

"How did you decide?" he asked. "How could you leave the world you knew, for something you didn't know or understand?" he asked honestly.

"Isn't that what you did, coming to Deep Space Nine? You left the world you knew, in search of something different. Something new. The Unknown. And you have experienced some of it, but there is more. So much more." He saw the excitement in her eyes, and wished he could know it; could feel it. But when he thought of leaving DS9, his practice...

"I understand," is all she said. She started walking; he followed. He followed her back to the edge of the forest. When they reached the clearing, he was surprised to see the landscape changed. It was barren, scarred, dead, not like it had been before. He turned to Opaka, questions in his eyes. She shook her head. "No, Julian, you did not cause this; neither did I. You merely wished to return; you have."

He looked back at the forest, but it had been replaced by jagged rocks. "Opaka, do you wish to return?" he asked softly.

She smiled that enigmatic smile at him, touching his cheek. "Dear man, I am happy here. Go, Healer, and heal the sick. I will remain here, until I choose to return. If I so choose. It is my decision, as it was yours."

"And if I change my mind?" Bashir asked.

"I will be here, waiting. All you have to do is will it." She turned and was swallowed up by the darkness.

"Sisko to Bashir."

Bashir hastily dried his eyes and touched his commbadge. "Bashir here," he answered, his voice thick.

"What the hell happened? After we beamed you down, you disappeared, along with the planet. Emiras was found in her quarters. Then the planet reappears without a warning. Where have you been?"

Bashir smiled sadly, looking to where Opaka had disappeared. "I was visiting an old friend. Could you beam me up? I'm ready to come home."

"What? Get him up here. He's got a lot of explaining to do," Sisko ordered, and Bashir materialized on the bridge. One look at the young man, however, and his anger vanished. "Doctor Bashir, you look terrible."

He smiled wanly. "Thanks, Commander."

"Sit down, Doctor," Sisko instructed. He complied, a strange smile on his face. "Now, you said you were visiting an old friend. All lifesigns disappeared as soon as you two beamed down. Who were you talking to?"

Bashir stared at him, his gaze unflinching. "Kai Opaka."

Sisko started. "You saw Opaka?" he whispered, suddenly understanding why Bashir looked physically as well as mentally drained. She had left him the same way. "How is she?"

"She's...happy," Bashir answered, not wanting to tell everything. After all, discovering the Unknown was part of the fun.

***

"I'm sorry, Doctor, but the signal from the Kai didn't reappear when the planet did. I guess it was faked," Sisko said dejectedly.

Bashir smiled at him. "It might have been. But at least we know she's ok, and she's happy. Isn't that what's important?" he asked.

Sisko glanced curiously at him. Bashir had changed since returning from the planet, but he couldn't be sure if it was for the better. Bashir had tried to explain what had happened to him, but it was impossible. Not when he didn't understand it himself. Sisko resigned himself to never knowing what had happened.

"Doctor, I believe you need some rest. I'm ordering you to your quarters until tomorrow morning. Get some sleep," he added quietly, his hand on his shoulder.

Bashir just grinned at him, saying, "Yes, sir," and went immediately to his quarters.

***

"Ship's log, Stardate 48145.8. The satellites have returned to encircle the planet, and all attempts to communicate with the inhabitants have met with no success. I have decided to return to DS9 tomorrow if no further communications are received."

***

As he lay in the dark, Bashir went over what the Kai had said and the shapeshifter's words. His thoughts once again returned to his school days and his wide-eyed wonder at the New Frontier.

"Hiya, Doc!" Lieutenant (J.G.) Illia Gomez called, jogging to catch up to Julian.

"Hi, yourself, Doctor Gomez," he grinned, slowing to allow her to catch up. "Only a few more days left," he said.

"Yep. Did you finally accept an assignment?" she asked, envious at all his choices.

"I think so," he replied, his large eyes shining. "I requested Deep Space, and I just learned that the Federation is going to help the Bajora. They're posting officers to a space station orbiting the planet, getting them ready for admission to the Federation. You know about the Occupation," he said, his voice low.

She nodded. "From class. But I also know someone who knew Ensign Ro Laren. It burned me that the Federation couldn't step in until now." Illia spoke quietly, but with conviction.

Julian nodded his sympathy. "I know exactly how you feel. Here we are, dedicated to preserve life, and the Cardassians were allowed to kill Bajorans for years. And the Federation let it happen," he said sadly. He brooded for a minute, then shook it off. No sense dwelling on things that he couldn't change, and his excitement over the new assignment came bubbling to the surface once again. "But this is one Federation officer who is going to help them as much as possible."

Illia laughed. "I'm sure you will. If sheer enthusiasm would help them, they'll be running the Federation within a year after you get there," she teased.

He laughed along with her, used to the constant ribbing of his high spirits. "Can I help it if I'm happy? Finally, we're graduates, and we're about to get posted to space. What more could we want?" His eyes clouded over briefly, remembering Palis, but he pushed her memory out of his mind. He wouldn't be down, not today.

Illia linked arms with him. "Let's say you and I go to The Shack and I'll buy you a drink." She batted her eyes at him playfully, the mood ruined by her giggling. He smiled down at her.

"It would be an honor," he replied in his best formal voice, bowing slightly. They strolled across the campus grounds, taking care not to step on the grass. Boothby would have their heads.

Bashir came out of that memory smiling softly. He rolled to his side, another memory surfacing as that one faded.

Young Doctor Bashir was nervously excited. He glanced in the mirror one more time, still amazed to see the blue and black uniform he had worked so hard for. He fingered the pips at his collar, smiling slightly. The door chimed and he went to open it. "Illia!" he cried, grabbing her in a bear hug. She laughed breathlessly as he spun her around.

"I'd rather wait for the transport to put me in orbit, thank you," she said, and he gently set her down on the floor.

"Aren't you excited? We leave today!" If his fellow classmates thought Julian had been cheerful before, now he was ecstatic. He was smiling broadly, his eyes twinkling. He walked with a bounce, sending Illia on another laughing fit.

"Of course I'm excited. But if you bounce anymore,  _you_ won't need a transport. You'll just bounce right up to the ship," she grinned, poking him in the ribs.

He paused his bouncing, his eyes sparkling at her. "This is the day I've waited my whole life for, Illia. The chance to prove to my father that I _am_ the best, that I can do whatever I want, whether he likes it or not."

She sobered a bit. "I'm sorry he didn't show up," she said softly, noticing the pain in his eyes.

He shrugged, but swallowed hard. "I should have expected it. After all, I wasn't first. To him, I'm a disgrace," his voice barely above a whisper.

She put her hand reassuringly on his shoulder, turning him to look at her. "Julian, you have to live your own life, not your father's. Don't let him drag you down. You got the assignment you wanted; concentrate on that."

He smiled faintly at her. "You're right. I should be living my own life. And I shall, in..." he glanced at the chrono, "4 hours. What time does your shuttle leave?" he asked.

She flicked her eyes to the chrono and shrugged. "Not for another 6. I'm not looking forward to serving on the Odyssey," she admitted.

"What? It's a Galaxy class ship! Competition is tougher to get those assignments than anything," he said, bewildered at her lack of enthusiasm. "Wait. It's Captain Keogh, isn't it?" he asked, watching her expression.

She sighed. "Yes. I've heard he can be a real bear. Luckily, I won't have too many dealings with him, because _I_ will be in sickbay under Doctor Hishiwa. She's the best." Her eyes regained some of their spark at the mention of the popular doctor.

Julian smiled. "I envy you. I've heard wonderful things about Hishiwa. At least you'll have someone. I'm the only doctor on Deep Space Nine."

She eyed him. "You wouldn't want it any other way, and you know it. You wanted a challenge and you got it. You've never been happier," she said teasingly.

He grinned. "You're right. Hey, let's grab a last bite before I go. We can get Eric, Abu, DarkHorse, and Smythe together for one last big blowout," he said, his excitement returned.

Illia shook her head slightly, moving closer to him. A smile teased her lips; her eyes veiled. "No. I don't think you want an audience for what I have planned."

"And what is that?" he asked huskily as she slipped between his arms.

"Oh, you're a bright boy. You can figure it out." She touched her lips to his, bringing tears to his eyes as a flash of light took her from him. He watched the Odyssey blow up, destroyed by a Jem'Hadar ship, taking all hands with her.

Tears squeezed from his tightly closed eyes, wanting the memories to stop, but they wouldn't. Seeing the Odyssey reminded him of another Galaxy class ship, the Enterprise. And meeting Commander Data.

"Come in, come in. I need a hand with this field generator. See if you can boost the power output to 65%," Julian asked whoever had come into sickbay. He didn't even look up, he was so absorbed in figuring out what the generator did.

"I am sorry, but use of sickbay equipment is limited to ships medical personnel," the officer informed him.

Julian realized that he didn't even know who this was. "Ah. Doctor Julian Bashir. Chief Medical Officer, Deep Space Nine. And you are Commander..."

"Data," he filled in for him. Julian could almost see the blush rise on his cheeks. His mind was screaming, "Data. This is DATA. Don't say something stupid." Luckily, for once, his mouth obeyed his head, but his body didn't. He told himself to LET GO of his hand, but it refused. At least Data had agreed to help him, and didn't have him thrown in the brig. After all, he didn't have the authority to be in sickbay. He couldn't find Doctor Crusher, and the few medical personnel there could have cared less what he did. So he just helped himself, taking the initiative as was his style.

He remembered the conversation they had had just before the first test on the generator. "Data, can I ask you a personal question...does your hair...grow?" And his astonishment that Data was breathing and had a pulse. They might have continued the conversation if the generator hadn't blown a connection and knocked Data unconscious.

Bashir remembered the wonder on Data's face after he woke up and discovered he had been dreaming. He had been honored to be there when Data awoke; being there when the android discovered he had a dream program had been one of the greatest thrills of his life. He greatly admired the android and considered him a good friend. They still wrote on occasion, so he knew Data had experienced nightmares, as well as more pleasant dreams. Thinking of dreams brought the smile back to his lips.

"And if that story didn't put you to sleep, I don't know what will," Julian told Jadzia, sitting next to her in his quarters on the Defiant. He smiled nervously as she placed her hand on his arm.

"You're a very dear man, Julian," Jadzia whispered, making him glow all over. He immediately got up, afraid that Jadzia was very vulnerable, and wanted some companionship. In his mind she was a patient, and he would never take advantage of a patient. At this point in their relationship, Julian doubted he would take advantage of Jadzia, period. He had great respect for her, and felt she was a big sister-type. She reminded him not of his sister, but of someone even closer to him than Shawna; Maureen.

He couldn't remember the day his parents had told him they would be taking care of his cousin from now on. He had only been about 3; she was about the same age. As they grew up, everyone assumed they were brother and sister; they looked so much alike. Bashir almost forgot she _wasn't_ his sister. He loved the time his cousin had lived with them; the trouble they used to get into; the secrets they used to share...

Young Julian was spying again, this time with his cousin Maureen. They were hanging over the banister, trying to see Julian's older brother, Gregory, talking to Tricia, Shawna's best friend.

"What are they whispering?" Maureen asked, peeking through the slats.

"I don't know," Julian answered. "But they're holding hands and kissing." He made gagging motions. "Yuck."

Maureen giggled behind her hand. "That's sick. Why would they want to do that?" she whispered.

"I have no idea," he whispered back, getting to his feet. Maureen followed him back to her room, or what had been her room for the past eight years. Her father, Julian's Uncle Eddie, had died when she was just 3, and Julian's parents had taken her in. Julian's parents never talked about her mother; Maureen didn't remember her. She had never seen her, except in a holograph she kept in a safe place that she only showed to Julian. She liked her cousin, and they had a lot of fun together.

"What do you want to do now?" Maureen asked, diving for her bed and kicking up her heels.

Julian sat on the floor, leaning on the overstuffed chair. "What do you think?" he asked, since he only ever wanted to do one thing.

She pushed herself up on her elbow. "Not _again_ ," she protested, even as she saw him getting the PADDs from the bottom drawer of the desk. "Do you know how tired I am of listening to this stuff? It's gross," she added as he handed her a PADD.

"It is not gross. It's just medicine," he replied, sitting down in the chair with another PADD. "OK, where did we leave off?"

She checked the PADD with a sigh. "Ick. Diseases of the blood." She looked up at him. "Why don't you just wait and learn this stuff later? Why do you have to know it now?"

Julian looked at her, his 11-year old face determined. "I want to be the best. I have to know more than everyone else, so I can be first. And," he added softly, "I want to make my father notice me."

Maureen shook her head, knowing how much his father's approval meant to Julian. She hated to see him upset. "He noticed you last night," she said, hoping to cheer him up.

He threw the PADD down in disgust. "Oh, he noticed me. He was so mad I interrupted him and his diplomat friends that he didn't even hear me," he said dejectedly, slumping in the chair.

She regarded him. "He wouldn't even listen to you?" she asked softly.

He shook his head. "He wouldn't even admit I knew what I was talking about. Of course I know about how Kronos was almost destroyed; we learned that in school," he said, getting angry. "And I understand more about it than he thinks. People in the Federation and in the Klingon Empire were working together to stop the incorporation of the two empires. The thing they feared, cooperation, was the one thing they didn't even realize they were doing."

Maureen shook her head in amazement. No matter how many times she heard her cousin talk like that, so much  _older_ , it still impressed her. "Julian?"

He snapped his head up, looking sheepish. "Sorry. It's just that no matter what I do, he doesn't notice me," he pouted.

She almost continued the discussion, but she knew where it would lead. "Did you want to study or not? I don't have all day," she said impatiently, her eyes twinkling at him.

He smiled, picking up the PADD. "Blood diseases, right?"

Bashir smiled at the memory. Maureen was the only one he told about his dream of becoming a doctor. He trusted her implicitly, and she trusted him. They were the best of friends.

Maureen looked up from the PADD. "Julian, do you ever wonder what it's like?" she asked softly.

He didn't look up from his PADD. "What what's like?"

She sat up. "What Gregory and Tricia were doing."

He looked up at that, his brow furrowing. "I don't know. I guess so," he shrugged nonchalantly, but the slight blush coloring his cheeks belied his curiosity.

Maureen dangled her legs off her bed. "Do you...do you want to try it?" she asked hesitantly, blushing slightly.

"I..I..I guess so," Julian agreed. He got up and sat next to her on the bed. They both licked their lips, not knowing what to expect. Maureen placed her hand in Julian's, squeezing it gently. He returned the pressure, staring into her green eyes, feeling funny. He leaned closer, watching her lips moving closer to his. Their lips touched lightly, pressing more firmly after the initial jolt. They sat like that for a long time, then finally Maureen pulled back.

"That's it?" she said, sounding disappointed, but her cheeks were flushed and her eyes were sparkling.

Julian bit his lip, the lip that had just touched hers. "I don't see what the big deal is," he said, trying to figure out why his heart was pounding so hard.

Maureen shrugged. "I don't either. Well," she said, "Let's get back to those diseases," changing the subject.

Julian happily went back over to his chair, the funny feeling staying with him.

Bashir wondered how he could  _not_ have known. He shook his head, remembering how confused he felt for days after he and Maureen kissed. He finally found the courage to ask someone knowledgeable about the subject of women.

"Gregory, can I ask you a question?" Julian asked, coming into his room. Gregory was busy at his desk and didn't look up.

"Sure. What do you want to know?"

Julian sat in the chair, his long legs tucked under him. "Why do you like Tricia?" he asked, his big eyes solemn.

Gregory put down the PADD and turned around to face his little brother, smiling at him. "You want to know why I like Tricia, or why I like girls?" he asked.

Julian tilted his head, contemplating. He shrugged. "I guess I want to know why you like girls. Why you want to hold their hands and stuff," he finished with a shiver.

Gregory laughed. "Why do you like Maureen?" he countered.

Julian gave him a funny look. "She's not a  _girl_ ; she's Maureen. Why do you like girls?" he asked again.

He shook his head, silently wondering at his younger brother. "Maureen _i_ _s_ a girl, whether you admit it or not." He saw Julian's disbelieving stare, so he decided to leave it alone.

"If you curious, why don't you ask dad?" Gregory asked. Seeing the angry glare that illicited, he backed off. "Never mind. So, why do I like girls. Well, first of all, Tricia isn't a girl. She's a woman."

"What's the difference?" Julian asked, curious.

Gregory smiled again. "Ah, the  _difference_ is..." he looked at his eleven-year old, innocent brother and decided on another answer. "She's older. She's had more experience."

"Experience with what?" Julian wanted to know.

Gregory got a far-away look on his face and smiled absently. "Uh, life," he said quickly. "Women like it when you flirt with them," he said, like it was some secret.

"Is that what you call holding hands and kissing? Flirting?" Julian asked.

"Yep. Flirting is the greatest thing we can do for them. That way, we can meet lots of different women and get to know each and every one of them," Gregory said, with another far-away look.

"And they  _like_ that?" Julian asked, disbelieving.

"Sure they do." He leaned toward his younger brother. "Julian, haven't you ever kissed a girl before?" he asked.

Julian blushed to the roots of his hair and stared at the carpet. "Uh..."

"I thought so. Women- _girls_ are nice, aren't they?" he asked softly.

Julian nodded slightly. Gregory smiled. "Is there any particular girl you like?" he prodded gently. Another slight nod. "Well, does she know you like her?"

Julian's head snapped up, his eyes wide with horror. "No! And she's never going to find out," he said.

"Why? Because you won't tell her? Or you're afraid she won't take you seriously?"

Julian's eyes got wide again. "I'm not telling her. I'm afraid she won't take me seriously, either," he admitted, looking back down at the floor.

"Well, until you tell her you like her, how's she supposed to know you do?" Gregory asked him. Seeing the shrug, he dragged his chair closer to Julian. "You have to let her know you're interested. Buy her flowers or something. Write her a note. Flirt with her." Seeing his nose wrinkle, he laughed.

"Holding hands and kissing aren't the only parts of flirting. It's an art form." Gregory had kept Julian in his room until dinnertime, telling him all about women and how to get their attention.

Bashir shook his head, remembering the things Gregory had told him and not quite believing him. And how he decided to get another opinion.

"Julian, get out of here," his sister insisted, pushing him out of her room.

"But I just wanted to ask you a question," young Julian protested, digging in his heels and grabbing the door frame.

She let go of his shoulders and allowed him back in her room, afraid his yelling would get their father up there. He sat down on the floor and asked, "Why do you like boys?"

Shawna spluttered behind her hand, much like Maureen did. Julian smiled. "Um. Where did this come from?" she asked.

He shrugged. "I saw Gregory and Tricia together, and I wondered why boys and girls like one another."

Shawna raised her eyebrows. "What were they doing?" she asked suspiciously.

"Holding hands and kissing," he said, making a face. Shawna laughed again. At his glare, she apologized.

"I'm sorry, Julian, but you looked so cute when you said that," she said. She sat quietly for a few moments, thinking. "Well, I like boys who are interesting, and they're fun, and they make me feel good."

"Huh?" Julian was confused. This wasn't what his brother had told him.

She kept going like she hadn't heard him. "I like someone because they are interested in me, what I do, who I am. They have to be funny, and smart, and take me seriously."

Julian let that sink in. "Then, you like boys because they like you?" he asked, confusion written all over his face.

She saw it and smiled softly. "Yes. But not always. I have to like him, and he has to like me. But you know, boys and girls don't have to like boys and girls," she said.

"HUH?"

She smiled. "Do you remember my friend Jasmine?" He nodded. "Well, she liked girls. She didn't want to date boys. Is this too confusing?" she asked, seeing Julian's expression.

He didn't know what to think. His brother had mentioned something about this, but he hadn't gone into detail. He said it wasn't 'right'. So he shook his head no, then shook it yes.

Shawna laughed again. "I'm sorry to dump this all on you right now. Why don't we stick with the basics, ok?"

Julian sighed and nodded eagerly. "Ok. Now, when a girl and a boy like each other, they decide to date each other exclusively. Seeing no one else," she elaborated, seeing Julian's confused expression again.

He wasn't confused about the words. He was confused about the differing philosophies. "They only date each other?" he asked.

She nodded. "That's called a commitment. They make a commitment to each other, not to see other people, to love only that person. Is this too much for you?" she asked, concerned.

Julian shook his head slowly. "So, boys and girl like one another because they like something in the other person?"

She blinked in surprise. "Yes, that's about it. How'd you get so smart on me, little brother?" she asked as she jumped off the bed and caught him in a headlock. He yelped, giggling as she started to tickle him.

Bashir gasped as he remembered how much his ribs hurt after Shawna had finally let him go. Remembering Shawna, Gregory and Maureen, he suddenly inhaled sharply. The day Maureen left had been the worst day of his fourteen year-old life. He tried to block the memory, but the more he fought it, the clearer it became...

"Maureen, are you all packed?" Cassandra called from downstairs. "Your mother's waiting,"

Maureen was in her room with Julian, crying. "I don't want to go with her. I don't even know her. What am I supposed to do?" she wailed, falling into Julian's arms.

He was crying, too. He didn't want her to leave. She was his best friend, and truth be told, his only friend. "Don't go. Tell her you won't go. She can't make you," he insisted, hiccuping.

She tightened her arms around him. "I want to stay. I don't want to stay with a stranger! But she's my mother. I...I have to go with her. She's all I have left of my father," she said quietly, her head on Julian's shoulder.

Julian had never felt so helpless. He was losing his best friend and nobody cared. "I'll come with you," he said.

She pulled back, wiping her eyes. "You belong here. This is your family. She's...she's mine."

"I'm your family too! You can't leave me," Julian moaned.

"Maureen, are you ready?" Julian's mother called again from downstairs.

"I'm coming," Maureen yelled back. She looked lost, standing in what had been her room for almost 11 years, the only home she remembered.

"I have to go," she whispered softly. Julian nodded, too upset to speak. She placed something in his hand and kissed him on the cheek. "I love you, Julian," she whispered before she raced downstairs. He stood for several minutes, listening to the voices downstairs. He waited until he heard the door close downstairs and the voices stop, then he opened his hand. A small caduceus pin gleamed up at him.

Bashir blinked back tears at the memory. Maureen's leaving had been devastating to his younger self. He was left with no one to talk to. His brother was on Deneb IV with his father, negotiating something or other. His mother was busy at the University. As for his sister...

"Julian, what do you want  _now_?" Shawna asked impatiently. She was in her room with her friends Katy, Tricia and Amber, all looking at him expectantly.

He stood in the doorway, arms behind his back. "I..I was hoping I could talk to you," he whispered, eyes downcast.

"Can't you see I'm busy?" she said, shoving him out the door and shutting it.

"Shawna, that wasn't very nice. Couldn't you see he was depressed?" Tricia admonished her friend.

"Yeah, he's just a kid," Amber chimed in.

Shawna looked at her friends as if they'd all gone crazy. "He's just upset that our cousin went back with her mother. It's no big deal. He'll get over it," she shrugged it off, then plopped back down on her bed. "Now, do you and Steve want to double date with me and Antonio?" she asked Amber.

Julian had stood outside the door for a few minutes, listening to their conversation. Then he shuffled back to his room, too depressed to even study medicine. It had been a week since Maureen had left, and the house seemed empty without her there. Julian threw himself down on his bed, pulling out his necklace and fingering the caduceus.

A soft knock on his door startled him. He stuffed the necklace back under his shirt and said, "Come in."

The door slowly opened to reveal Katy. Julian inhaled sharply. "Hello, Julian," she said quietly, shutting the door behind her.

"He-hello," he stammered, clambering to his feet. He couldn't believe it. She was in his room. He had had a the biggest crush on her for three years, and now she was in his room. He gulped.

She tilted her head. "Are you ok? You looked depressed in your sister's room," she noted, moving closer to him.

He was frozen to the spot. "Um, ah, I'm fine," he said. "It's just...my cousin left," was out of his mouth before he could stop it. "Her mother came back from the 'Intrepid'. She made Maureen go with her on her next assignment. She hadn't seen her mother in years, and she just shows up and takes her," he moaned, the words rushing out of him.

"I'm sorry. You two were close, weren't you ?" she asked, close enough now to place her hand on his shoulder.

He gulped again, his eyes filling with tears. "Yes, we were. She was my best friend."

"It's hard when someone leaves, isn't it?" she whispered. He nodded slowly, looking into her eyes for the first time. They were a beautiful shade of blue, the color of the ocean. And they were filled with tears. He didn't know what to make of it.

"I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?" she asked, touching his cheek softly.

His heart thudded in his chest; he was breathing heavily with her closeness, her softness. "I...I don't think so...," he whispered. She leaned forward, taking in his large, deep brown eyes, and touched her lips to his. His eyes widened as her tongue gently pushed his mouth open, making him whimper slightly. He closed his eyes as the kiss deepened. His head spun crazily as she began toying with his tongue. His knees threatened to buckle and his arms rose to grab her around her waist; steadying himself against her.

Tears were streaming down his face as she hugged him closer. "Let it all out, Julian," she instructed him. He placed his head on her shoulder and cried, hearing her gentle voice soothing him. When he felt he couldn't cry anymore, he straightened.

"I feel so silly," he said, wiping his eyes with the heels of his hands.

She shushed him. "Nonsense. There's nothing to be ashamed of. You lost someone close to you; it's only natural for you to be upset."

"I never want to feel this way again," he said, his voice cracking.

She smoothed his hair, in bad need of a trim. "I know you don't. But that's what happens when someone you love leaves," she told him gently.

"Then I'll never love anyone again," he swore, his voice and eyes hard.

Her eyes widened in shock. "Don't say that! You have to love eventually, or else life won't have meaning for you," she reasoned. He wouldn't hear any of it.

"I don't care. I'll bury myself in my work. I'll dedicate my life to saving others," he said before he realized he had revealed his secret. He clamped his mouth shut and turned away from her.

Katy went around him to face him. "You want to be a doctor?" she asked, not teasing him or censuring him, but genuinely asking. A flicker of a smile appeared.

"Yes. Maureen was the only one who knew. She helped me study," he said, tears threatening once more. "Now.."

"You're not studying at school?" Katy asked, amazed.

Julian shook his head. "I hadn't told anyone but Maureen, and now you. You have to promise not to tell anyone," he pleaded.

"But what about your parents? They don't know you want to be a doctor?" she asked.

"My mother might. I've never spoken to her about it. I...I want to join Starfleet, and I know my father won't let me," he said, looking at the floor.

She lifted his chin until she could look him in the eye. "Unless you tell them, you'll never know what they'll say. They may surprise you. Besides," she added with a twinkle in her eye, "What were you going to do, study around here and hope someone would come by and say, 'hey you, come over here and be a doctor'?"

He smiled his first genuine smile in a week. "I guess it's about time to tell my parents," he agreed. She smiled back.

"I'm glad." She still held his chin, the lights in her eyes taking on a different meaning. She leaned forward, kissing him again. A thousand tiny sparks coursed throughout his body and his arms rose to draw her closer. She put her hands on his chest and gently pushed him away.

"Not now, Julian. Your emotions are out of control. Wait until you can think clearly," she said. "Wait until _I_ can think clearly."

"I am thinking clearly," he said huskily as he pulled her back to him, covering her mouth with his.

"Mmm, no," she said, pushing away from him. "Not like this." She saw his hurt expression and sighed. "Julian, this isn't right. I'm 24; you're, what? 14?"

He straightened. "I'm almost 15," he protested.

She looked into his soulful eyes; saw the depths reflected in them. She could see he was much older - far beyond his years. She sighed. "Ah, who cares," she relented with a shrug. She saw his eyes light up, but held him back. "Not now. They'll be looking for me. I'll see you whenever I can, ok?"

He couldn't believe she was actually saying she wanted to see him, sort of. He just nodded, his smile putting the sun to shame. She laughed. "Now, don't forget to tell your parents. Starfleet is tough; you'll need formal training before going there."

He realized with a start that she was right. "You're right. I'll tell them tonight."

She gave him a quick kiss and went to the door. "See you soon," she called.

He brought out his necklace, smiling sadly.

Bashir brought out the necklace, fingering the small caduceus. He smiled sadly at the memory. It reminded him of the arguments his mother had endured with his father, trying to convince him to let him go to Starfleet's Medical Academy.

Julian couldn't have been much older than 16. He was hiding behind the door to the study, listening to the conversation in the next room.

Julian's mother, Cassandra, was pleading with his father to allow Julian to attend Starfleet Academy. "George, don't be so hard on Julian. He wants the best education, and that means Starfleet."

"Cass, I don't want him to join Starfleet," he boomed, his voice carrying throughout the two story house.

"George, keep your voice down. He's just upstairs," she hissed at him as he sat down on a chair.

"And he damn well better stay there," he yelled, shaking a fist at the ceiling. "No child of mine is going into Starfleet."

"George! He's an intelligent boy. Why shouldn't he have the best education?" she rationalized. She was used to her husband's quick temper, and had had to step in on more than one fight between him and his children.

"He can get a perfectly fine education here. What's wrong with Oxford?" he said, settling down.

"He doesn't want to go to Oxford. He wants to join Starfleet." Julian knew where he had got his stubborn streak; his mother. He smiled behind the door. The voices dropped to a whisper, and he strained to hear.

George buried his face in his hands. "Cass, I don't want to lose any of my children to Starfleet," he said, his words muffled by his hands.

She got out of her chair, kneeling before him and putting her arms around his shoulders. "George, he's not your brother. He won't be killed. He doesn't want to be an officer; he wants to be a doctor. He wants to save lives, not take them."

"He'll go away and never come back, just like Eddie," he whispered hoarsely, taking her hands in his. She shook her head slightly.

"He's not Eddie. And he will come back," she promised.

Julian gave up trying to hear and snuck back upstairs, taking out his Starfleet acceptance letter. "I will go," he whispered. "I will solve the unsolvable, cure the incurable, and discover the secrets of the universe," he said, like a starry-eyed kid teetering on the threshold of young adulthood.

Bashir had mixed emotions at the memory. His mother had encouraged him to apply to Starfleet; she had taken him for the orals and psychological tests. She was the one who gave him the most support, and he would be forever grateful for that. As for his father, he couldn't think straight about him. Every time he thought of the arguments his mother endured for him, he wanted to weep. Why couldn't his father understand he just wanted to make him proud? He wanted the best education not just for himself; but for _him_ ; the man who raised him. Bashir shook his head sadly as the day of his leaving entered his mind, unbidden.

"I'm going to miss you," his mother said as she gripped the young man in a fierce embrace. Julian made subtle gagging sounds, changing her tears into laughter. "Don't ever lose your sense of humor, Julian," she told him.

"I won't," Julian promised, kissing her cheek. He took one last look around the house, not sure when he would see it next. He tried to remember every detail, from the ancient fireplace to the real wood doors; the replicator hidden behind the cabinet (mom hated the unsightly thing), to his father's chair. He looked sadly at it for several minutes, wondering briefly where his father had gone.

"When will father return?" he asked, turning to catch the pain in his mother's eyes.

"I..I'm not sure, Julian. He said he had some work to finish at the Embassy," she replied, directing her eyes away from his. That fact was not lost on Julian.

"He's not going to say good-bye, is he?" he asked softly. His mother brought her fist up to her chin, pushing it gently against her lips.

"I don't think so, Julian." She hated to tell him, but she didn't lie well, and she had never been able to lie to Julian. "He still doesn't approve."

He sighed unhappily. "I just want to make him proud of me. Why can't he understand that?" his eyes filled with sorrow.

"Hey, little brother! Let's get a move on, or you'll miss the transport!" Gregory called from the front door.

Cassandra grabbed Julian in another hug, then gave him a gentle push to the door. "Go. Don't worry about your father. Make _yourself_ proud." He smiled and turned to the door. "And Julian," she added, then stopped.

He turned around, his expression questioning. "Yes?"

She smiled her goofy half-smile at him. "Don't ever look back."

He returned the smile, not ever realizing it was exactly the same as hers, and ran down the steps, slamming the door behind him.

"So, off to the Academy. What are you going in for?" the old man asked. He had been chatting with everyone on board the transport, making sure they had their things before taking off.

Julian smiled at him. He had taken an instant liking to the driver, a big, burly man with twinkling eyes. "Medical."

"Ah, going to be a doctor?" He glanced back, and seeing Julian's nod, asked, "What kind?"

"What kind? A...a doctor," Julian finished lamely, wondering what other kinds there were.

"Well, there's all kinds of doctors. You got your trauma, you got your specialists, you got your surgeons, there's a whole heap of doctors out there. You'll have to pick one." The man saw Julian's brow furrow as he thought of the possibilities. "But you don't have to pick one before you get there," he teased.

Julian didn't hear him. The word 'specialist' buzzed in his head; it sounded challenging, but also limiting. He wanted to help everyone, not just specific injuries. He made a mental note to check on what kinds of doctors they trained there the minute he arrived.

Bashir wondered why he hadn't thought of what kind of doctor he wanted to be. He just knew he wanted to be one; he had been a wide-eyed kid, awed that he had been accepted into the Academy, and hadn't thought of what that actually meant. What it turned out meaning was long hours of study and worrying over tests, classes, and more tests. As much as he loved learning, he needed some diversion. That's why he and his roommate Eric got along so well. He kept Eric in line, reminding him of classes and papers due, and Eric helped him loosen up.

"Julian, if you don't stop taking extra classes, you're going to turn into a drudge," Eric informed him, sitting on the PADD that Julian was reaching for.

"Hey, I need that. Get off," Julian said, exasperated.

"Uh-ah. You're going to take a break. Do you remember Illia? The cute, petite redhead?" Eric asked, crossing his arms across his broad chest. Despite his size as an Algorian, Eric was a flirt, and occasionally Julian had to cover for him when a date wondered where he had gone to. And Eric returned the favor occasionally, but Julian didn't get caught with two women; he was too smart to get caught.

"What? Redhead?" Julian muttered absently, studying the PADD in his hand. "Hey!," he exclaimed as Eric snatched the PADD and held it out of his reach.

"Redhead. Cute, petite, redhead. Illia Gomez," he reminded him, holding the PADD behind him. Julian tried to grab for it, but couldn't get his arms around Eric's massive frame.

"Ok, ok. Illia. I'm listening," he resigned, sitting back on the couch, fixing him with his large eyes.

Eric smiled broadly, his black eyes twinkling. "Well, Illia was asking about you a couple of days ago, and I sort of...set up a date for you two."

"WHAT?" Julian bolted upright, swallowing hard. While it was true he never had problems getting dates, Illia had given him the brush-off more times than he could remember. To believe that she would be _asking_ about him...it was questionable. "Did she _ask_ about me, or did you 'mention' me in conversation?" he asked, staring Eric down.

His smile faded slightly. "What difference does it make? She agreed to meet you tonight at The Shack at 1830 for drinks. So, you have about an hour to get ready, as I figure it."

Julian's eyes narrowed threateningly. "You didn't tell her I was dying or something, did you?"

That made him laugh. "No, I didn't. But that's a good idea. I should remember that."

Julian groaned. "Get out of here. Don't you have a study date with the Vulcan in your Metaphysics class or something tonight?"

"Oh, I forgot." Eric jumped to his feet. "Thanks, Ju. Whatever would I do without you?" he grinned.

"Probably be killed by a rush of females, trying to get at your head," Julian quipped. "I call dibs on the shower," he yelled as he made a dash for the bathroom.

"Hey, no fair!" Eric called as the door snicked shut and locked behind Julian.

Bashir laughed out loud. He had forgotten how much fun he had at the Academy. Remembering the time before the Big Date reminded him of the actual date...

"Hello Julian." Illia Gomez smiled shyly as he sat down.

Julian smiled nervously. "Hello, Illia." He cleared his throat. "How did classes go today? Are they any easier than last semester?"

She laughed, a light, airy sound that made his heart beat just a bit faster. "Easier? Hill just dumped another paper on us, including the sample study he wants by Tuesday." She shook her head. "That man.."

Julian nodded agreement. "I know. I had him last semester. Almost dropped from all the extra work he piled on," he added, swirling his drink.

She shot him a look. "Something tells me you loved every extra assignment he handed out. Him, and all the other professors you've taken. You're a workaholic," she accused, teasingly.

His eyes widened in mock-horror. "What? Me? Nah. You must be thinking of someone else. I live to party," he said, his eyes twinkling at her. They both started laughing, easing the awkwardness between them. Then they had talked for hours, about everything and nothing, until even they noticed The Shack was almost deserted.

"Um, it looks like it's tomorrow," Julian noted.

"No. What gave you the first clue?" Illia asked, stifling a yawn.

"Well, the sun coming up is a good hint." He pointed out the window. Illia turned to look.

"Let's go outside and watch it," she said, grabbing his hand and pulling him to his feet.

"Ok," he laughingly agreed as he followed her outside. Illia laughed as she spun around, breathing in the fresh air.

"Isn't the early morning wonderful? The air is new, the sun is coming up to make a new day, the whole planet comes alive!" she ended breathlessly. She stopped spinning, facing Julian. The sun was lightening the sky behind her. Her face was in shadow, but he could still make out her deep, jade-green shining at him. His breath caught; the sun was coming over the ridge, the exact color of her hair, turning it into a mass of flame. She laughed quietly, curious at his expression. "What is it, Julian?" she asked in a sotto voice, stepping closer to him.

The sunrise, the lack of sleep, the beautiful woman in front of him, he didn't know which to blame for his actions. But he took her face delicately in his hands and kissed her softly, her lips moving gently against his. When she attempted to pull back he protested, wrapping his arms around her and hugging her tightly against him. All of a sudden they were soaked; the automatic sprinklers had come on. Illia squealed, Julian laughed, and together they ran to a rocky ridge that looked out over the bay.

"I can't believe it. I must look a mess," Illia bemoaned, shaking water out of her hair.

Julian pushed the short locks away from her face. "You look perfect," he said huskily.

She met his eyes, startled by the sincerity and desire burning there. She blushed, wringing out her shirt. "I bet you say that to all the girls," she scolded lightly.

"Yes, I do. But this time I mean it," he said softly.

She met his eyes again, looking for the punchline. It never came. Instead, Julian moved closer to her, bending to kiss her neck. She put her hands on his chest to stop him. "I knew it. I  _knew_ to trust my instincts, but  _no_ , I go and listen to Eric. You're no different from all the other guys here, are you?" she accused. She was hurt and angry with herself for thinking he was different. Would she ever learn? She glared at him, her gaze softening at the hurt she saw reflected in his eyes.

"Illia, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," was all he could think to say. "Yes, I am like the other guys. Yes, I have played around. But being with you..." his voice broke off as he saw her eyes harden again.

"Is different. How many times have I heard that?" she fumed, raising her arms in a dismissive gesture.

Julian looked like he had been beaten. His eyes were lowered in shame, mad at himself for not acting different around her. He had finally figured it out: he honestly liked her, but he had just blown any chance of ever getting anywhere with her. He looked up at her face, red with anger and shame, and felt worse. He could feel his eyes fill with tears; he blinked hastily to get rid of them. "Illia, I'm sorry. There's no excuse for what I did. I'll understand if you never speak to me again," he said, meaning it with every fiber of his being. He knew his playing around would catch up with him sooner or later, but he hadn't realized it would cost him a wonderful girl. He swallowed hard. "Good-bye." He turned to go.

Illia watched him take a few steps, then called to him. "Stop."

He halted. "What?" he asked softly.

She sighed. She had seen the emotions flickering across his face; she felt she knew him better than she knew herself. He had been sincere, and she had been too pigheaded to notice. "Come back here. I guess I could stand to talk to you." He turned slowly around, his gaze incredulous.

"You...you're not mad anymore? Just like that?" he asked, not believing her.

"Oh, I'm still mad, but now I'm mad at myself to boot." She softened her tone and smiled slightly. "You didn't know I was incredibly stubborn and pigheaded, so I'm warning you now. Don't forget it, because I don't plan to repeat myself."

The despair and self-recrimination slowly disappeared from his face. "Then I guess I should tell you, I'm a terrible flirt. That is, between classes and studying," he said, the twinkle returning to his eye.

"Ah. Now that's helpful to know. What do you say I let you buy me breakfast? I'm starving," she added, patting her stomach.

"Breakfast sounds wonderful. But first..." he turned his back to her. He turned around, looking at her quizzically. "Hello. I don't believe we've met. I'm Julian Bashir." He extended his hand.

She looked at him like he had gone crazy. "New day, new beginning," he whispered to her. She nodded. "Hello. I'm Illia Gomez. Pleasure to meet you." She took his arm and linked it with hers, and together they walked to The Shack.

Bashir smiled with the warmth coming from that memory. The next few weeks were a blur, but one day remained crystal clear.

Julian and Illia had been spending most of their time together. Eric smirked every time Julian said he was going out. He just laughed and shook his head, too happy to care. They had skipped classes for the day and hid in Julian's quarters, knowing Eric would be out all day.

"Julian, don't." Illia stood up, walking away from the couch and refastening her uniform.

"What's wrong?" Julian asked her, afraid he had hurt her. Again. It seemed every time he tried to get closer to her, she shied away from him.

She kept her back to him, speaking so softly he had to strain to hear her. "Nothing. I just don't want to, ok?"

He sighed quietly. "Ok. But it's not nice to tease a man like that," he joked, hoping to ease the tension that had risen between them.

She whipped around, her face almost as red as her hair. "Don't ever say that to me again," she said through clenched teeth. He saw her hands were tight fists, shaking.

"Illia, what's wrong?" he asked, genuine concern flooding his eyes. He stood up and walked toward her. He placed a hand gently on her shoulder.

She shrugged it off, then looked at him sheepishly. "I told you, nothing's wrong."

"I don't believe you." She met his eyes, a blush creeping up her neck. "I..I," she started, then stopped.

He steered her to the couch, setting her down and sitting next to her. "Tell me what's wrong," he insisted quietly.

"This is so stupid. I don't want to tell you," she whispered. "You'll laugh." She played with her pant leg.

"No, I won't. Just tell me," he said, lifting her chin to look into her eyes.

She took a deep breath, then grinned nervously. "I..I've never...been...with a man," she whispered, lowering her eyes.

Julian immediately felt like a heel. He had just assumed..."Illia, why didn't you just tell me?"

"Would you go around broadcasting it?" she snapped, jerking away from him and pacing the floor.

He thought a moment, then said, "No, I guess I wouldn't. But it does explain a few things."

"What?" She stopped pacing, her stare accusing.

He hastily explained. "Well, whenever I tried anything, you pushed me away. I was beginning to think it was me."

She laughed. "Believe me, it's not you." She smiled at him fondly. "Friends?" she asked.

He returned the smile. "Friends." He regarded her for a few moments, then hesitantly asked, "Illia?"

"What?" she asked as she sat down once again next to him on the couch.

Now he was the one to pluck at his pants leg. "Illia, don't take this the wrong way, because I'm being very serious." He stopped, taking a second to lock gazes with her. "If you want, I'd be happy to...what I mean is, if you don't feel comfortable with someone else...I'd like to make the offer."

She stared at him in shock for what seemed to him like hours. "You _are_ being serious, aren't you?" she finally said, searching his eyes.

He smiled slightly. "Yes, I am. That way, you'd know the person wouldn't just walk out on you and never speak to you again. You wouldn't have to worry about...certain expectations." He was almost as red as she was.

She didn't know what to think. She was shocked, amazed, curious, furious. All of a sudden, she gripped him in a bear hug. "That's the nicest thing I've ever heard," she said into his ear. "I can't believe you _asked_ me, but it's still nice to hear." She pulled back, tears running down her face, laughter turning her gulps into hiccups.

He wiped her tears away, laughing with her. "I can't believe I asked either, if you want to know the truth. I just don't want to see you hurt," he stressed.

She smiled at him then, not a sweet smile, but a seductive one. "Julian, would you be surprised if I took you up on that offer?" she asked.

He blinked. And blinked again. "Wha-what did you say?"

She snuggled closer to him on the couch. "If you're going to be that generous, that worried about me, then how can I refuse?"

"Are you sure?" he asked, looking into her eyes. He saw the conviction there, as well as a bit of fear.

"I know what I'm doing, Julian. I care about you..."

"And I care about you. But don't do this because you feel you _have_ to..." Her finger on his lips stopped him.

"Julian, a woman can change her mind. Haven't you learned that by now?" she asked, replacing her finger with her lips.

Tears sprang to his eyes as he remembered how much trust she had placed in him, and how he found himself growing to love her more each day. But then he had taken her to the ballet...

'Meet me after the show, my dressing room. The guard will let you in.' The note folded up in Julian's hand began to grow damp. He had folded it so many times during the ballet that it was turning into confetti. Illia leaned over to him, whispering, "Isn't this lovely? I adore "Swan Lake."

He mumbled some reply; he couldn't remember what he said. He and Illia had been an odd couple; they dated other people, but they could still get together and have a good time. They had gotten quite a reputation around campus, too. They chose to ignore the rumors and the speculations, too content in what they had decided. Now Julian stood outside the star's dressing room, after making sure Illia had a way back to campus. He knocked softly, hearing a faint, "come in" float out at him. He opened the door slowly, revealing Palis Delon, literally. She was sitting in an ancient bathtub, bubbles and rose petals floating around her.

"Ah, come in, come in. Please, sit down," she indicated a chair. Julian just stood, awe-struck for several minutes, before his brain finally registered that she had spoken to him and obediently sat down.

"H-Hello," he stammered, silently chastising himself for being nervous. She was, after all, just another woman.

She smiled then, a smile that cut right through him. "Hello. You are Julian, are you not?"

"What? Yes, Julian Bashir," he replied, astonished that she would know his name.

She tilted her head to the side. "You are wondering how I know that. You're friend, the pretty redhead, she told me," she explained. She could have told him she read his mind and he would have believed her.

"Illia," he supplied automatically.

"Ah, yes. Illia. Such a pretty thing," she said as she rose out of the tub and grabbed a towel. She wrapped it around herself, stepping carefully onto another towel on the floor. "Would you like to dine with me?"

Julian felt as if his entire body was on fire. As she stood, the water cascaded off her shapely body, a few rose petals clinging stubbornly to her stomach and long legs. Julian's eyes followed her legs, the strong muscles working under the skin as she stepped onto the towel. Her feet; her dainty feet, curled slightly like a dancer's, shuffled slightly, drying themselves on the thick blue towel beneath them.

"Julian?"

"What?" he asked, licking his suddenly dry lips. He glanced up at her face, her almond shaped eyes boring straight into his soul.

"Julian, I asked if you wanted to dine with me. If you do not..." she raised her hand in resignation.

"No! No, I'd love to dine with you," he said hastily, afraid she would change her mind. "Where would you like to go? San Francisco has some wonderful restaurants," he suggested.

She shot him a coy smile. "I was thinking of dining here. Much more private, don't you agree? We can get to know each other better," she added, her mouth curving up in a sensuous smile.

He returned the smile, rising out of the chair. "I'd like that," he said, closing the gap between them.

The memories of her threatened to overwhelm him. Bashir tossed restlessly on his narrow bunk, willing the images of Palis out of his mind. But her sensuality remained, at least, someone's did...

"Where is Katy?" Shawna asked, looking at the chrono. The three women were sitting in her room, discussing Amber's upcoming marriage.

"She said she would be here by 1300. It's only 1215. Give her time," Tricia answered. "She said she had some errands to run."

Amber's eyes sparkled. "I wonder if she's getting something for the wedding."

Tricia and Shawna groaned. "Since you and Steve announced the date, you've become a real bore," Tricia said.

Shawna nodded her agreement. "All you talk about is what you're going to get. What about your bridesmaids? Don't you care about them?"

Julian shook his head. He would never understand his sister's friends. They were so immature. And coming from a sixteen year old, that was saying something. A hand on his shoulder froze him to the spot. He had managed to avoid getting caught spying on his sister for almost a year. Now, it looked as though his luck had run out. He turned around to see Katy smiling at him.

"What are you doing out here?" she asked quietly. Before he could come up with an answer, she steered him down the hall toward his room. She pulled him gently into his room and shut the door. She leaned against it, her hands on the doorknob. "Well?"

Julian licked his lips. The memories of her kisses were constantly in his thoughts; she had snuck away from his sister's friends more times than he could count. He closed the gap between them, her breath warm on his neck. "I was trying to hear which of you liked me more," he said, his voice pitched low.

She giggled softly. "Now, don't you know the answer to that by now?" she asked, her warm voice wrapping around him.

His arms came up around her waist. "I think I do. But I wanted to be sure, and I didn't think Shawna would have liked the interruption," he smiled playfully at her.

She laughed, clasping her hands together behind his back. "If you wanted to come in, we would have let you," she said coyly, sending shivers up his spine.

He cocked his half-smile at her. "Sure you would have. Then I would have had to watch you three duke it out over me. No thanks," he joked.

She tilted her head at him. "I would have won," she said simply. She inhaled sharply as Julian leaned close to her, his large eyes partially closed. She could have sworn she saw tiny flames in them. He bent to kiss her, sending shivers up her back. She was still amazed at how quickly he learned...

She pushed him back until the backs of his legs touched his bed. He lost his balance and toppled to his bed; she followed, brushing her hair out of her eyes.

"Katy, what're you doing?" he asked, panting lightly.

She grinned. "I'm sorry I missed your birthday. I hope you don't mind my present being a bit late," she said seductively, undoing the fastenings on his shirt. "Happy Sweet Sixteen, Julian," she whispered as she trailed kisses over his chest.

After his initial shock, his fingers found their way to her blouse, and soon they were exploring, touching, feeling, Julian experiencing the most intense feelings of his so far young life.

That memory brought others of Katy; her visits to the house when no one was home, or sometimes when they were. But, as with the rest of his memories, he remembered the day she left him.

"Katy! Hello. Shawna isn't here. She went shopping with Amber," Julian told her, licking his lips expectantly, giving her that half-grin of his.

She smiled knowingly. "I know. I'm not here to see Shawna. I'm here to see you," she said, stepping inside and caressing his face. His eyes lit up as memories came to the surface, his body responding to her closeness.

"Is anyone else home?" she asked as he closed the door and took her in his arms.

He smiled slyly. "They all went out. Some function of father's or something." He bent to kiss her, but she stopped him. "What's wrong?"

Katy turned her head, eyes lowered. "Julian, I came to tell you something. I..I've met someone."

He stared at her uncomprehendingly. "What do you mean?"

She broke out of his embrace and turned to the window. "I met someone. Charles. He's a student at Cambridge." She turned to face Julian finally, tears in her eyes. "He's asked me to marry him, and I've agreed."

Julian shook his head, backing away from her. "No...no, you couldn't. You didn't."

"I'm sorry, Julian," was all she got out before he turned and ran upstairs. He slammed his door, shaking the whole house and knocking pictures down. He paced frantically, refusing to believe what she just told him. He slapped the wall, barely feeling the pain in his hand. Arms encircled him, hugging him fiercely. He tried to break out of the embrace, but Katy was strong.

"Why?" he asked, his voice cracking.

"Julian, I thought you understood that what we had was just for fun. No commitments, no emotional attachments," she whispered into his neck. He closed his eyes and leaned back against her, covering her arms with his.

"I did. It's just...it's so soon," he finished, sighing deeply.

She hugged him tighter, then let go. He turned around, gazing at her. He took her face in his hands and kissed her softly. "Thank you," was all he said as her smile trembled.

Her smile faded and was replaced by another trembling smile, reassuring him...

"Don't blame yourself Julian. You did everything you could." Jadzia clasped his hand, fear in her eyes. She lay in his Infirmary, waiting for him to remove her symbiont.

He tried to tell her, explain that he did care about her, but the words caught in his throat. "This will help you sleep," he said softly as he squeezed her hand reassuringly.

"Thank you," she whispered, drifting off to sleep.

"Forgive me," he pleaded as her hands slipped out of his.

Bashir gasped painfully. His medical talents  _had_ been used for dark purposes before; he had risked Jadzia's life to save the rest of the crew. The rest of that horrible night came back to him in a rush...

Yehto was breathing down his neck, threatening to end her life seemingly every five minutes. Julian almost snapped with tension.

"Come on, come on," he willed her as he hissed the hypo into her neck. When her lifesigns showed signs of improvement, it felt like an enormous weight had been lifted from his chest.

Jadzia looked around, lost. "Julian," she whispered, licking her dry lips.

He almost smiled, he was so relieved that she was awake. "Oh, thank God. I thought I'd lost you."

"The symbiont." Tears welled in her eyes. "It's gone," she said, her voice cracking.

He tried to reassure her, caressing her face. "Everything went perfectly. The operation was a complete success."

"I feel so alone," she murmured. Julian had never seen Dax anything but confident. But here she lay, scared, vulnerable, helpless and alone. He felt his heart tug that he couldn't help her.

"I've got you stabilized. If only we could get the symbiont back in time," he voiced his concern, instantly regretting it.

"I'm scared, Julian," she whispered, looking up at him like a lost puppy.

He immediately reassured her, "You're not going to die, do you hear me? I'm not going to let you die," he swore vehemently.

"I'm sorry." He turned in disgust, away from the lifeless body of Kai Opaka.

The sudden memory jarred him and he jerked wide awake. His recent meeting with Opaka came to the forefront. "The Unknown..." he whispered to himself, wondering what he had given up. The chance to seek out new life, to explore new worlds, to go where no human had gone before. "That's silly. It sounds so cliche," he said to himself. He chuckled and checked the chrono; it was 0204. Another six hours before he had to report to sickbay. He resigned himself to laying awake all night; with Opaka's awakening of his memories, he found he had forgotten some of the best times, as well as some of the worst. And the worst hadn't even happened...

"The Borg just attacked Wolf 359. Thirty-five ships lost. They're on their way to Earth." That was what the rumors were saying. Julian, Eric, and a bunch of their friends were hanging out in their room, comparing rumors and trying to decide which were true.

"I say it couldn't have happened. No one ship could destroy 35 of ours in less than two hours. It's not possible," Abu protested.

Illia shook her head, her red hair swinging. "I'm telling you: I heard Doctor Nyota and Professor Acmar talking about it. They said all the ships were destroyed. The Borg are machines; pure killing machines." She shuddered.

Julian jumped in. "All machines are not killing machines. Look at Commander Data."

"Look at his brother," Eric countered, leaning back on the couch. Julian shot him a furious look.

"He isn't responsible for his brother's actions; it's not his fault he turned out so bad," Julian defended him.

Illia snorted. "No, but he is still his brother, and they're both machines."

"What is that supposed to mean? Data is a sentient life form," T'laan Smythe cut in.

"Who knows? Who cares? The only thing that matters is that the Borg are on their way here, and a whole fleet of the Federation's finest couldn't stop them." Eric chimed in softly.

The friends looked sadly at one another, not sure what to think. Their lives may be ending as they sat there discussing it. That thought made Julian's head spin; he felt weightless...

"Just give a gentle push. It's easy," Melora Pazlar told Julian, floating gracefully around her quarters. Julian watched her in fascination, awed that someone who couldn't function in his 'normal' gravity could move so fluidly in hers.

He pushed off, afraid of floating upside down. He missed the opportunity to do EVAs during the Academy; it must have been on one of the occasions when he and Illia had snuck off. Now, he was sorry he had missed it. This free floating-weightlessness was exhilarating.

She caught his hand, helping him steady himself in mid-air. He found himself staring at her, still lightheaded at being in the air.

He had been impressed with Melora Pazlar; her fierce independence, her forthrightness, and yes, even her attacks. She was interesting, and one thing Bashir had prided himself on; it was finding the most interesting women to date...

"Oh, and afterwards we'll go dancing," Melora quipped, chip firmly back on her shoulder.

Julian winced, playing along. "Ooh, red alert," he said, shaking his head. He gave her his half-smile, charming his way yet again into a date.

Julian cut in front of Kira to catch Jadzia before Benjamin set her to work. "Jadzia!" Now that he had her attention, and the attention of Kira and Sisko, he asked, "Maybe we could get together later for dinner? Or...or...or...or a drink?" Asking a woman out on a date wasn't the scariest thing in the world. It  _was_ when you were doing it in front of your new superior officers. Yet he had done it anyway, and succeeded.

Thoughts of all the women he had dated flitted through his memories, each one bringing a special smile to his face until he reached a ballerina, and the first person he had told about her...

Julian was busy repairing the communications array on T'Lani 3 when Miles asked about Palis.

"So what happened? With you and Palis?"

Julian was working on the RF oscillator, keeping half a mind on it. "What happened is, I graduated. Her father was the top administrator at a medical complex in Paris. He offered me a job. Promised I'd be chief of surgery within 5 years," he said, still a little awed at the offer.

Miles heard the catch in his voice. "But you would have to give up your Starfleet career," he said understandingly.

Julian replied softly, "I can't tell you how close I came. But, here I am."

"You made your choice," Miles said, assuring him.

Julian smiled wryly. "Yeah." Then his expression grew somber. "Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and think to myself, 'will I ever find anyone that wonderful again?'"

He didn't have the answer then, and he didn't have it now. Palis was driven from his thoughts by the immediate danger he and O'Brien faced. The guns pointing at him still sent a shiver down his spine. He had believed he was going to die then; only luck had saved him. When he returned to the station, he immediately sent his parents a subspace message, assuring them he was all right.

But subspace communiques did little to soothe his mother; she wanted to see him in the flesh. Luckily, Julian had convinced Benjamin to let him return to Earth. He had some hesitations about returning home after being away for so long; but his mother had looked so drawn. He wanted to make sure she was all right, too.

Not until much later did Bashir learn his father had been devastated; he refused to even leave the Embassy for fear of going home and seeing his empty room, knowing he would never return...

Julian paused on the steps up to the door. He hadn't stepped foot in his home in over 6 years. Would it look the same? What would be different? As his hand touched the doorknob, the door swung open and his brother grabbed him in a bear hug. "Ju! Am I glad to see you," he said, pulling him inside and calling to the rest of the house, "Hey, everyone! Julian's here!"

A flurry of activity on the stairs caught their attention, and Julian was almost knocked over by the force of his sister's hug. "Oh, little brother, don't ever scare us like that again," she chided him. She let go of him and turned to the man behind her.

"Julian, this is Lin'tha Jomar. Lin'tha, my brother." The two men shook hands.

"I'm surprised you could get my sister to stand still long enough to marry her," Julian told him, eyes twinkling. "Ow," he said, rubbing his arm where his sister punched him.

"You are correct, of course," Lin'tha said, deflecting Shawna's blow to his arm and pulling her closer for a kiss. "I found that works quite nicely to shut her up," he told Julian.

"Ohhh, you two. Why I even bother..." she mumbled as she shook her head.

"Julian? Julian!" his mother called, coming in from the study. "I thought I heard you. Come here," she ordered, arms outstretched.

Julian rolled his eyes at his brother and sister and hugged his mother. "It's good to see you mother. You look good," he said automatically, noticing the dark circles under her eyes. "Are you ok?" he asked, resisting the impulse to drag out his medical equipment right there.

She waved him off. "I'm fine. It's amazing what the news of one of your children dying will do to a person's sleeping habits," she joked lightly.

"Julian?" The voice was so soft, he barely heard it. But something made Julian turn around, and he saw his father standing in the doorway to the study, tears in his eyes. "Julian? Is that you?" he whispered, taking a step forward.

Julian nodded slowly, then walked over to his father, hugging him tightly. "I'm home, father," he whispered to him, closing his eyes tightly.

George Bashir, renowned diplomat for over 30 years, was reduced to tears. "You're home." He gripped his son in a bear hug. Julian had no idea how long they stood there, father and son, until his mother coughed slightly.

"George, I think the boy's suffocating," she said softly.

They broke apart, smiling and drying their tears hastily. "I'm fine. Really I am. But I could use something to drink," Julian laughed.

"Tarkalien tea, coming right up," his mother said, moving to the study and uncovering the replicator.

"Wait. I'd rather have a raktajino, if you don't mind," he called, walking into the study.

"A raktajino? Who do you know who drinks those?" his brother said, coming in behind Julian. His father went to his chair, settling down comfortably.

"Jadzia introduced me to them," Julian replied offhandedly. "Shawna, are you leaving already?" he called back into the foyer.

"Yes. I'm afraid I have a class in an hour, and Lin'tha has to be back at the shop by 0200. So I'll see you later on, ok?" she said, smiling at him.

He walked over to her, giving her a hug. "I'll be here for a week. Don't be a stranger," he whispered.

She hugged him back. "I won't be. Oh, I have a message for you. Katy and Charles send their regards, and she said she's sorry she missed your birthday again." She relayed the message with questions in her eyes, increasing as she saw Julian smile broadly.

"Um. Will you see her, or did she say she'd drop by?" he asked, his eyes shining with memories.

She peered closely at her younger brother, wondering just what had gotten into him. "She's in Australia, working in the rainforests. I'll talk to her later this week. Why? Do you have a message for her?" she asked.

Julian smiled. "Yes. Tell her it's ok; that I'm sure she can come up with a much better present than last time."

Shawna opened her mouth to say something, then shook her head. "No. I don't want to know. I'll see you later. Bye, mother, father, Greg," she waved into the study, and she and Lin'tha left.

Julian returned to the study, settling down on the chair across from his father. Cassandra handed him the raktajino, then sat down in her chair. Silence descended on the four for several moments; broken by Gregory. "Well, I hate to leave this lively party, but I have to meet Cynthia for lunch. I'll see you all tomorrow," he said, then left Julian alone with his parents.

Julian looked around at the house; it looked the same. Minor knickknacks had been replaced he was sure, but the overall atmosphere had remained the same. He smiled to himself.

"What is it?" his mother asked. She always seemed to know what he was thinking.

"I was just thinking..not much has changed," Julian said, continuing to glance around.

"Maybe from where you are, but from where we are, a lot has changed." His father startled him with that statement. "Our oldest boy has followed in my footsteps. My daughter is a professor at the university. And my youngest boy..." his voice trailed off as he looked at his 'youngest child'; taller than him by a good six inches, Julian had never looked like a man to him. But now, he could see, he was a man. "My youngest boy," he continued in a soft voice tinted with pride, "is a doctor in Starfleet."

Julian was shocked. Had he heard correctly? Had his father sounded  _proud_ of him? He searched his face, reading the pride in his straightened back, his head held slightly higher. He smiled. Finally, the approval he had sought for so long had come to him. But it didn't make him feel better.

"Father, why couldn't you tell me this sooner?" he asked looking him in the eye. To his surprise, his father's gaze faltered.

"I tried. I wanted to...but I just didn't know how," George finished, unsure even now what to say.

Julian just sat, staring at his father. "It's about time you were speechless," he deadpanned.

George's eyes widened in shock, then he noticed the twinkling in his son's eyes. He burst into laughter, a great laugh that shook the house. "Ah, I see you've kept your sense of humor, Julian," he said.

"It's helped a lot, getting along with O'Brien and Garak," Julian said, grinning.

"Garak. He's the Cardassian you told us about, isn't he?" his mother asked, sipping her tea.

He nodded. "Yes. I would guess we've become friends. I think I'm his only friend on the station," Julian added sadly. "But," he said, forcing himself not to get depressed, "Commander Sisko is starting to trust him more, and I think Quark may even like him now."

"You're making a lot of friends now?" his father asked.

Julian's eyes narrowed. "What does that mean?" he demanded.

His father looked at him strangely. "I mean, you're making a lot of friends. That's good. I would hope you wouldn't be alone out there in the farthest reaches of Federation space. Oh, I know it's what you wanted," he forestalled Julian's protests, "but it's still damn far from home. Your mother worries about you all the time."

"Don't you drag me into this, George Bashir," Cassandra scolded, glaring at him. "You're the one who worries about him constantly. And you wouldn't worry so much about him if you would read a message from him now and then," she fumed, her eyes widening guiltily as she looked to Julian.

Julian sat still, his hands clenched around the cup he held. When finally looked up at his father, his eyes were filled with tears, but his mouth was set in anger. "I knew it. I knew you didn't care. All the times you ignored me, when you sent me from the room without listening to me. Now I have proof. I'm sorry I wasted so much of my life wanting your approval. You're not worth it," he spat at his father, slamming the cup down on the table and storming out of the room.

He went upstairs, back to his old room. Once inside it's relative safety, he leaned against the door, breathing heavily. He had never spoken to his father like that. He had never even raised his voice in this house. He started to shake, not from hurt, but from anger. He was  _angry_ , probably for the first time in his life. He clenched his hand, wanting to punch something, but didn't want to hurt his hand. So he settled for punching the pillow a few times.

A soft knock on the door was ignored. "Julian?" his mother called softly. "Can I come in?"

He wanted to say no. He wanted her to leave him alone, but he was too drained to summon the courage. "Yes."

She opened the door slowly to reveal Julian sitting on a chair, looking out the window. "Julian, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to blurt that out."

Julian didn't turn around. "It's not your fault. It's father's. If he couldn't bring himself to read for himself how I was doing, then that's his problem, not yours."

"Julian, don't hate your father. I know you're angry right now, but..." she said, walking toward him.

Julian spun around in the chair. "I have been  _angry_ for most of my life. Do you I was studying to be a doctor when I was ten? Of course not. No one listened to me. I was just a kid. Well, I was a kid with feelings, and no one cared," he choked out, turning back toward the window.

Cassandra was silent for several minutes, looking at the back of her son's head. "Julian, I knew. Maureen told me," she confessed quietly.

Julian blinked back tears. Maureen had told? But she promised..."When did she tell you?" he asked quietly.

"When you were both twelve. She knew you were going to be a doctor, no matter what. And," she said, moving to sit on the windowsill, "all the studying she helped you with made her interested in helping people too," she said with a smile.

Julian smiled. "It did? She never told me. I knew she graduated from the Vulcan Science Academy, but I didn't realize," his voice drifted off. "She's a therapist now, isn't she?"

His mother nodded. "She writes us occasionally, but she's busy, helping traumatized children. She's dedicated her life to it, since she went through so much as a child..."

"I know," Julian said softly. "She told me about her movement therapy. I've read some of her papers, and she's made wonderful progress." His thoughts chased one another. "I wonder if she might come to Bajor? There are a lot of children there in need of comforting, having lost their families to the Cardassian Occupation," Julian said sadly.

Cassandra squeezed his shoulder. "You two would make quite a team. She cares almost as much as you, about people and life."

Julian smiled at his mother, some of his anger dying down. "I may give her a call to see if she would consider it. She could do so much there."

They sat in silence for a few more minutes. Julian felt something nagging at him, but he couldn't think what. Finally, it hit him. "Mother, why didn't father come up here?" he asked softly.

Cassandra blinked in surprise. "I...I..," she started to say, but Julian took her hands in his, addressing her.

His voice was low, apologizing. "You're always the one to smooth things after a fight. Always. When is he going to be responsible for his  _own_ actions? He's the one I was mad at, not you," he said.

"I could say the same thing about you."

Julian spun around, rising out of his seat to face his father. "What?" he asked incredulously.

George walked into Julian's room, glancing at his wife. "Cass, could you leave us alone? We need to talk." She nodded, then stole quietly out the door, shutting it behind her.

George sat down, indicating a chair across from him. Julian sat down warily.

"Are you going to tell me what you meant?" Julian asked, fixing his father with a look that clearly said, 'this had better be good.'

George smiled at his son. "Julian, you've had your mother fighting your battles for you ever since you were little. Today was the first time I can remember you fighting for yourself."

Julian blinked in surprise. "I..I never saw it like that. I felt I couldn't talk to you, because you wouldn't listen. I tried to tell you so much, but you would always turn me out."

"When?" George scoffed.

Julian got up and started pacing. "Well, I remember trying to contribute to more than one discussion you were having with your diplomat friends, but you always pushed me out of the room. Remember when I tried to tell you I wanted to join Starfleet? You wanted me to go to Oxford. I said I wanted to be a doctor. You practically laughed at me," he seethed, hurling each memory at his father like a weapon.

"Julian, that's enough." His father stood up, placing his had on his shoulder. "You didn't understand why I didn't want you in Starfleet; I couldn't expect a sixteen year old to understand." He laughed shortly. "Besides, how could you know what you wanted to be at sixteen?"

Julian shrugged his shoulder away from his father's hand, glaring at him. "You honestly have no idea, do you? I was studying to be a doctor when I was  _ten_. TEN," he cried, his eyes flashing.

George looked into his son's eyes, seeing the hurt little boy reflected in them. "After we returned from Invernia 2," he realized softly.

Julian shrugged. "I was toying with the idea after that, but didn't really get interested until a few months after. But yes, I knew I wanted to be a doctor then."

George blinked, suddenly wondering where his little boy had gone. "I..I had no idea."

"I know you didn't. You were too busy with your diplomatic functions to notice what Maureen and I did," Julian accused him with quiet conviction.

George glanced up at that. "What does Maureen have to do with you becoming a doctor?"

Julian gave a short, curt laugh. "She helped me study, from when I was ten up until she left. She was the only one I told. She was the only one who believed in me."

George sank back down into the chair, emotions flickering across his face. Julian tried to read them, but it was too hard. "Julian." He glanced up at his son then, his eyes shining with tears. "I'm so sorry."

Julian's eyes narrowed. All the things he wanted to say when he was younger came pouring out, all the hurt of the little boy who his father left in a ionic storm; the pain of being ignored; the desperate want of approval, and never being good enough. "It's easy to be sorry now, after everything's done and gone. Where were you when I needed you? Where were you when I wanted your attention? When I need support, encouragement? I got it all from mother or Maureen, because you were always at the Embassy or some function for it. And even when you were here, you still weren't  _here_. You ignored your children, do you know that? You practically ignored Maureen and me." He was shaking with anger, on too much of a roll to notice how his speech was effecting his father. "You couldn't even come to my graduation! I was second; that wasn't good enough for you. Nothing was ever good enough for you! I worked so hard, and all I was doing it for was you. I just wanted you to notice me," he admitted. "All I ever wanted was for you to notice me," he repeated in a little voice, sounding very much like that little boy. He strode to the window and plopped down on the chair, suddenly to weak to stand. He shook from the emotional drain, but he felt good for the first time in...a long time.

George remained sitting, quiet for what seemed a long stretch to Julian. He finally turned around to see his father staring blankly at the floor. "Father?" he called softly, afraid something had happened to him.

He looked up at his son finally, looking much older than he had a few minutes ago. "Julian," he began, his voice shaking. He started again. "Julian, you're right. Everything you said was true. Except for one thing. I  _was_ at your graduation. I was too proud to let you see me there, so I sat with strangers. But I saw you," he said, his voice growing stronger with pride. "And when they called your name, I was on my feet, applauding like crazy." His eyes snapped with pride. "I was telling everyone around me that you were my son."

Julian sat in silence; awed, unbelieving silence. The knowledge that his father had come to his graduation swam through his mind, bumping against his memories of it; contrasting. He shook his head to try to clear it.

"Julian, I may not have always been there for you; but if there is one thing I was always, it was that I was always proud of you. You made your family proud that day, and you have every day before and after that." His gaze and voice faltered. "You remind me so much of Eddie."

The mention of Maureen's father reached Julian through the whirling in his head. "Uncle Eddie?"

George winced. "Yes. I never told you this, but Eddie was also Salutatorian at Starfleet, but not as a doctor. No, he wanted to captain his own starship."

"Father, why didn't you ever tell us about him? Maureen had so many questions you could have answered. _I_ had questions," he said quietly.

His father just shook his head. "I..I'm sorry. I know I should have told you and Maureen both about Eddie, but I just couldn't. It was too painful, even after all those years. He was still my brother," he told him softly.

Julian swallowed hard. "Then tell me now."

George set his hands on his knees, his eyes turning inward at a sight only he could see. "He was killed in a skirmish along the Neutral Zone with the Romulans. I hated him for joining Starfleet for so long, then I started to hate Starfleet." George stopped, getting out of his chair and pacing the room, Julian's eyes on him the whole time.

"I felt it was Starfleet's fault that he died. So I vowed that none of my children would join. I wouldn't lose any one else I loved to Starfleet," he emphasized.

Realization dawned on Julian. "That's why you opposed me joining Starfleet."

George stopped pacing, facing his son. "Yes. I wasn't going to lose you, too."

Father and son stared at each other, as if seeing the other person for the first time. And in some ways, they were. Julian finally broke the silence.

"You haven't lost me yet," he said, smiling softly. "I plan to be in Starfleet for a long, long time. After all, I haven't been published in every journal yet," he quipped, eyes twinkling.

George smiled. "Don't let your sense of humor get you in trouble, you hear? Some people might take that the wrong way."

Julian broke into his mother's half-smile. "Oh, they've already taken it the wrong way. But I'm working on them." His expression changed, and he asked, "Father, would you tell me more about Uncle Eddie?"

He had listened to his father tell him about his brother, learning more about his family, and his father, as the hours passed. And his father had learned more about him; his friendship with Garak and how he had saved his life; how Garak had saved them all. His adventures with O'Brien, his special friendship with Jadzia. The trips into the Gamma Quadrant; the Jem'Hadar. How he had earned Major Kira's respect. About how he now respected Odo; not just as a unique lifeform, but as a fellow officer. About how Commander Sisko had come to like him, as well as taking him under his wing, teaching him to be a good officer as well as a good friend.

Bashir rubbed his eyes. That memory was still fresh, still vivid in his mind. It had only been a few months ago, but it still warmed him. He had finally settled things with his father, made peace after all those years.

The soft beep of the chrono startled him. "Oh-seven hundred already?" he groaned. He rubbed his bleary eyes, a yawn almost cracking his jaw.

A chime at his door caused him to bump his head on the bunk above him. He walked over to the door, calling softly, "Who is it?"

"It's Alyia. Can I come in?"

He blinked once, surprised at her sudden appearance. He opened the door and invited her inside. She stepped slowly, walking like she was an intruder. "Did I wake you?" she asked, concern in her eyes.

He closed the door, shaking his head slightly at her concern and in answer to her question. She nodded, satisfied. "I've been thinking all night long. It's wrong to punish you for something we did so long ago. If you've put it behind you, then so will I."

He sat down, afraid he might actually fall over if he didn't. He just looked at her, surprise written all over his face. "Alyia, what we did was wrong. I didn't put it behind me. It will always be with me, a reminder of..." his voice broke off, unable to continue.

She chewed her lip. "Julian, I...I have to tell you. It wasn't your fault."

He glanced up sharply, staring her down. "What? I was there. Of course it's my fault."

Alyia shook her head. "No. We weren't the only ones in that lab. I invited some friends. You left before it got interesting," she said in a soft voice.

His mind refused to comprehend what she was saying. "But, _I_ was the one to come up with the compounds. You did the programming. That's all that was needed."

"No, it wasn't." She began to pace. "Your compound wasn't stable. A key ingredient was missing. Someone else supplied it." She turned to face him. "Julian, you are not to blame for what happened."

He sagged back against the chair. His limbs felt watery; he was lightheaded. "I...I'm not? I didn't do it?" he whispered hoarsely.

She smiled faintly. "No. If you hadn't have done the initial work, some of my other friends would have." She shrugged. "You weren't the best, you know."

That broke through his haze. "I...I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad." He smiled, age-old guilt finally finding relief. "Thank you for telling me, Alyia."

She shrugged, uneasy. "I couldn't let you go on thinking you were to blame. Not after I saw how much respect Sisko had for you. Do you know how worried that man was about you?" she asked, switching gears.

He smiled wryly. "He should know by now; I'm an industrious man. I can find a way out of everything," he joked, laughing lightly. Alyia joined him.

"I truly am sorry for letting you believe...for so long..." she stumbled over her words, too relieved in her own guilt release. He walked over to her, putting his arms around her. She stiffened, then returned the hug.

"Don't be sorry. We've both been sorry for far too long. Let's try to forget this whole nightmare, shall we?" he asked.

She nodded. "Try to get some sleep. It's almost time for your shift," she said, and walked to the door. "Thank you, Julian."

"Thank you, Alyia," he replied as she left him alone in his quarters. He suddenly felt invigorated. He got dressed, the bounce returning to his step. He was ready for whatever unknown faced him.

THE END


End file.
